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Extra 3

Extra 3 published on No Comments on Extra 3

I’m not sure if this needs an introduction. Perhaps since it’s been so long, it wouldn’t hurt.

Hi, hewow, hi. My name is Elias. You might have known me as some other name, such as Starry, or a first name I wish to no longer go by. (For those who might have known me personally, I’m happy to assist in any possible confusion.) If not… hi, nice to meet you ^^ I’m a comic and Live2D artist who likes dolls, Minecraft, and collecting very specific, often quite off the wall facts about the world we live in. I am Finnish (apparently part Karelian), I only sometimes can read, and… I have been severely ill… and that is what these afterwords are about.

Or should this be more like an insert, since the comic is still going on? Regardless…

You might have noticed few years back, I sort of disappeared. From the internet, social circles, even from my own family and relatives. I’d like to say it was because of a single reason but in reality, the truth is quite multifaceted. I won’t go into the weeds of things, since a lot of them are quite personal. However, I feel like I owe some sort of retelling to those close to me.

In short and sweet, I have since early childhood been quite unwell. Both physically and mentally.  I didn’t have a chance to heal, treat, and process it early enough. Even with the knowledge I have now, it is quite difficult to separate what parts of my self were because of my personality, and what were the results of hiding what was going on. For an example in high-school, I might have seemed fairly normal – all be it a little bit strange. But inside I was unconsciously trying to protect myself and the people around me, from things such as emotional pain. So over time it grew worse, until crashing my health and almost taking me with it several times. Fall of 2021 I started my studies in university, only to end up hospitalized few months later over Christmas and new years. Even then I lied saying I’m busy with school, when people asked about me.

Let’s just say, things were quite dark for a bit. Not only did someone else near me almost lose their life to the same illness, I wasn’t sure if I’d ever recover from it. The possibility of a future Elias at that moment sounded like an insult. A mockery on my feelings, even if it wasn’t meant as so. Kinda like an old woman telling a homeless man how her deity always takes care of their children on Earth.

In addition, around that time I was diagnosed as autistic. Which wasn’t a surprise in hindsight. At the moment it felt like a victory in my life, that after uncertainty, someone finally understood how I felt. Someone had an explanation to things younger me thought was something wrong with him. How he was a faulty product of his own hands; and if he just were a good kid when he had the chance, all bad in this world could have been avoided. Getting that diagnosis felt freeing. Like I was finally able to lead him out of his world, outside, to see the beauty of the ocean.
Only to realize how vast the open sea in fact was…

Maailmaa ei luotu valmiiksi… And I felt like I couldn’t adjust to reality.

I felt extremely ashamed. Not only freshly out of hospital. But when it took me so long to even start recovering. After being discharged, some symptoms have gotten worse. There have also been people who have said, they aren’t sure if I’ll ever finish school. Or be able to work a normal job.

I’m not a religious person. Despite how much I use Abrahamic metaphors in my works, I don’t find comfort in faith. However, what I do find comforting, is studying other people’s faith. How even at the face of adversity, they have hope. Be it hope for a better tomorrow, or that something greater than the sum of its parts wants to see them succeed. That the world has a plan for them, or how their efforts in this world will eventually be granted.

I don’t see myself as wiser than those people. In my opinion, we are all equally as dunce in this world. We all experience a life that in its core is deeply human. Tragedies, disasters, witch hunts, and depressing macabre explanations of the world are as human, as the people that devote their existence to protect those in need. In my faulty logic, it is equally as likely that none of us are saintly, as one person being immortal. And with the information we have, both of those could have a coin flip’s chance of being true.

However… people still hold hope in their hearts…
I guess it won’t hurt me to try that as well…

Before leaving for uni, this comic was my lifeline. I used it as a form of therapy and a way to process all sorts of things. Be it trauma, believes, or my personal identity. It was important and I wanted to see it through. Sadly, as I got both more busy and more ill, the passion fell out of it. Long rambles short, it felt icky to work on it. So, I didn’t. I took a break, uncertain if I’d ever get back to it… Eventually I did. And that time is now.
I’m still in recovery. I don’t know how i’m gonna manage school and possible work. Unfortunately, my university doesn’t really know what to do with me. Same with the health care team that takes care of me. Any plans about the future are made few months at a time. I’ve tried my best to study, however it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to do so. Like A LOT. My schedule even still revolves around medical consults. But I’m better than I was before. Even by few months, let alone a year.

While I’m still not in the head space to pump out new ideas (which can be very frustrating), I feel like I want to continue working on H&JB. It’s not a lifeline anymore, and I’m not so sure what role it even is in my life. But it gives me just a little bit of hope. And that feels important. I want to use it to spread good, even if my influence and reach is small. I just gotta figure out how. Been looking into printing out some sort of book/omnibus and donating the profits to charity. But if that happens, that is WAY into the future.

Endings are hard. Pff. Amm… For those who are reading this on the website, thank you. I’m sorry it’s been long. And I appreciate that you came back even after all this time. For those who purchased the PDF copy from Ko-fi, I want to thank you as well. Your kindness is greater than words can say right now.

I guess… Take care, take your meds, and… call your grandma every once in a while.

Starry Sky / Elias